When stress turns into burnout

In a world that constantly asks us to do more, burnout can creep in quietly until even the smallest tasks feel impossible. Understanding the difference between healthy drive and chronic stress is the first step towards creating a more sustainable and compassionate way of living.

We are all stressed, all the time—myself included. Every client I see is dealing with some degree of life strain because our modern world is set up to keep us moving forward, always striving for more: more achievement, more busyness. Even self-care can feel like yet another thing we have to “do”.

But when does stress become too much? When do we need to sound the alarm because we have slipped into a space of burnout that no longer feels manageable, but instead feels depleting and crushing?

What is burnout?

I have had clients tell me that they no longer feel joy in what they do. Others describe how difficult it is to get out of bed, or that they feel numb to everything and have lost hope that things can change.

Sometimes it is the body that speaks up. Illness, injuries, and bone-crushing exhaustion can all be signs that your nervous system is collapsing under the weight of too much pressure.

Burnout, by definition, is caused by chronic external stress, such as workplace pressures or, more recently recognised, caregiving responsibilities. The key is not necessarily the amount of work, but a person’s individual experience of their responsibilities.

Unpredictability, a sense of unfairness, and a lack of control or support are all factors that contribute to burnout. It is also more likely to occur in people working in caring professions, in women, and in younger workers who often have less control over their work-life balance.

What can I do to prevent the burnout trap?

Prevention is not always straightforward because so much comes down to external factors that can feel unchangeable. Burnout flourishes in situations where you feel you have little or no control over the responsibilities placed on you.

However, there are also internal characteristics that may inadvertently play a role in why your stress becomes more toxic and chronic. Perfectionism and a tendency to people-please can both be contributing factors.

An external locus of control—that is, seeking self-worth through achievement and performance—can also prove problematic. While achievement or praise from your boss may feel good in the moment, that feeling is likely to be temporary.

Burnout is not something we can fully control, but it can be helpful to think with a therapist about the internal patterns that may be keeping you stuck in a place that feels depleting.

That dopamine hit we get when we accomplish something or are recognised can be addictive, especially when we have been taught to associate our self-worth with getting things done.

I know myself how good it feels when I tick off the last item on my to-do list, when I have finally replied to all the emails in my inbox, or when I have successfully managed to get the children to bed by myself. That sense of accomplishment can be intoxicating.

But it often comes from a place of pushing ourselves to the brink in exchange for a reward, when what our nervous system really needs is a shift towards self-compassion.

The three feeling systems

I use Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) with my clients a great deal, especially to help them understand how they may inadvertently become trapped in burnout.

CFT proposes that our emotions fall into three broad categories, based on what they do for us.

• The threat system runs on adrenaline. It becomes activated when we feel fearful, angry, or disgusted, and it propels us to avoid danger or fight to regain safety.
• The drive system is what we often associate with achievement, performance, and accomplishment. It is linked to our reward pathways, influenced by the neurotransmitter dopamine, and keeps us pushing forwards.
• The soothing system is the system many clients can only tangentially relate to. When this system is activated, we feel calm, content, and safe. It is the place of compassion and connection.

Most clients I see identify most strongly with the drive system and feel as though they spend much of their lives chasing one reward after another until they collapse and completely switch off at the end of the day.

When the drive system is overactive, people often do not know how to truly connect to a place of self-care.

The first step towards exercising that muscle is to introduce self-compassion into your life: listening to that voice, however quiet it may be, that says you need a break; connecting with something or someone you care about; doing something that engages your senses; and making time to reconnect with yourself as a person, rather than simply as a worker or caregiver.

‘I have tried to rest and I just don’t know how’

Changes in how we manage our emotions are rarely quick. Much of the time, our difficult internal beliefs tell us that we are not good enough if we do not keep pushing.

Learning to genuinely self-soothe—especially if this was not something prioritised during your childhood—can be a lifelong project.

Seeking the support of a mental health professional may help you understand any self-defeating patterns.

When it comes to burnout, it is also important to remember that while internal factors may contribute, no shift in your beliefs can change the fact that you may genuinely lack control over your personal time and space.

However, seeking help to understand what is sustainable for you personally can help prevent stress from becoming toxic in the long term.

Dr Sarah Emmerson is a counselling psychologist and co-founder practising at Talking Women in our Twickenham and Richmond centres  |  talkingwomen.co.uk  |  @talkingwomen