How to raise adults who thrive in an ever-changing world.
You've heard the cliché that children don't come with an owner's manual, but these days almost the opposite is true: there are so many books, blogs and TV shows about parenting – many with contradictory ideas – that our challenge as parents can be sifting through it all and knowing what to believe!
To simplify, consider that parenting really comes down to three things: Protect, Provide, and Guide.
- We Protect our kids against danger, e.g. from bears, buses, and bullies.
- We Provide our children with their basic needs, with healthy boundaries, and with love.
- And we Guide our kids to navigate the world, to make the most of their talents and opportunities, and to live fulfilling lives.
Let's say that we have the first two broadly handled (even if it doesn't always feel like it!) and focus on our broader and deeper role in guiding our children. Because we are not raising children – we are raising adults-in-waiting.
What do we need to prepare and equip them for?
Think of what I call the “Big Four Pillars of Life” – Health, Wealth, Love, and Direction. How are most people doing in these areas in our society today?
- In Health, as of 2017 two-thirds of adults in the UK were overweight or obese, as were one-third of year 6 children. And that number is trending up, not down.
- In Wealth, two-thirds of working-age adults started 2020 in personal debt (i.e. excluding mortgages), with around five million people owing at least £10,000 each.
- In Love, we've all heard the (accurate) statistic that 42% of marriages end in divorce (and how many of the others would truly count as “happy marriages”?)
- In Direction, in 2016 Gallup found that 92% of working Britons are “not engaged” or “disengaged” at work. Meaning that only 8% (yes, eight per cent) of employed people are putting energy and passion into their work.
There's nothing wrong with being overweight, indebted, divorced or disengaged at work. I've been 3 out of 4 of those things in my life! But the question we face as parents is, which side of these shocking statistics do we want our children to be on when they grow up?
Because in each of these areas the results which our children achieve will be largely decided by the decisions they make and the actions they take. Which in turn are shaped by the way they think and feel on the inside, and the strategies that they have learned.
That sounds pretty daunting – does it mean I have to have all the answers for all of those things, even when I've got challenges in my own life?!
Yes and no. If you can educate your kids in some basic distinctions in each area, and equip them with the emotional intelligence to apply those strategies, and to carry on learning, then the odds will be stacked in their favour.
Some strategies and distinctions to teach them:
- Health – think “ living naturally”. Human genetics have barely changed since we were all hunter-gatherers. Thus sitting down all day, living inside, staying up late, eating processed food, snacking non-stop, and having electric lights in our faces at all hours, is not a good combination. Get up and outside in the sun, sleep and rise early, eat home-cooked, real food, no snacks after dinner, and turn the lights and screens down before bed. Will they do all this as teenagers? Unlikely. But if they know these basics and to think “living naturally”, can they apply it as they grow older and start to care more about their health? Yes.
- Wealth – the only way to be financially stable and secure is to spend less money than you make, and save and invest the difference. That's it. Think long-term, understand compound interest, and leave your money in the stock market for 30 years. If you don't spend your money, and save it instead, then the very worst thing that can happen is... you still have the money!
- Love – relationships work when they are win/win, so when both parties are getting things from it. Yes, marry for love, but realise that practicalities are also important, and that there will be ups and downs (for better, for worse, etc). Oh, and accept that men and women are different, and that that's ok. In fact, it's flipping terrific, because in general we aren't physically attracted to our best mates (!) – we want someone with the opposite energy to us. Masculinity has a bad reputation among young people (more young men see it as negative than see it as positive), so teach them that masculinity has both a light side and a dark side, and so does femininity.
- Direction – listen to your own inner voice. It's easy to do what parents, teachers or the media tell you to do, but that's not the path to fulfillment. Notice what you love to do, what really brings you alive and inspires you. And pay attention to what you naturally spend your time, money, and energy on. Together these are clues to your true interests and deeper drives. And recognise your strengths and talents – the things you're naturally good at. When you combine your true interests with your natural strengths, in a way that serves other people (which means they'll pay for it), then you'll love going to work. And you'll tend to be good at it. Your interests and strengths may change over time, but the principle of listening to your inner voice is timeless.
And here are some of the key psychological insights and habits which make those strategies doable:
- taking control of our life – acting as if we are in the driving seat (we are), rather than thinking like a victim
- developing control of how we see things and think about things – and thus how we feel and how we act and react
- learning to listen to our inner voice, despite the ever-increasing noise all around us
- accepting human nature (e.g. we are hardwired both to cooperate and to compete, and both have their place in life)
- understanding the give-and-take, or the give-and-receive, of work, business and relationships.
If you'd like me to help your child be more confident in life – at school, with friends, in sport or music – visit me at www.skyhighconfidence.com
And if you'd like to be better at equipping your child for their future years, including preparing them in the five areas above, take my free online video course in Advanced Parenting at www.giveyourchildtheedge.com
