For those that no longer have mothers that are alive, Mothers' Day can loom large on the calendar. Sarah Kane, offers some gentle words of understanding and comfort this Mother's Day...
Did you know that, in America, Mother’s day started as a day to honour the mothers no longer with us? In 1907 Anna Jarvis held a memorial to celebrate her dead mother, and from then the day became a way to remember a mother who has died.
In the UK, of course, this day came from the church practice of honouring mothers and the chance for children and young people working away from their mothers to return home for the day, to their mother, and their mother church. As the years have gone on, the meaning of the day has evolved, but for anyone whose mother is no longer alive, this day can loom large on the calendar.
You might feel that you are not part of this day of the living. A mothers loss is a profound experience and a day dedicated to only living mothers highlights it. Whilst we can celebrate privately, light a candle, look at photos, or reflect on the mothers we had, there is now no special public day to honour her. Our society likes to celebrate the alive and the ideal, pushing further into silence the feelings of grief, loss and adding isolation.
When you have a mother, you perhaps don’t notice the early marketing of mother’s day. When you don’t have a mother you notice every marketing email, entering uninvited into your inbox, every florists special Mother’s Day bouquet, every card in every shop, every friend noting to remember to buy a card out loud or mentioning their plans, every restaurants Mother’s day menus, every single piece of print, ad, or signpost to Mother’s day. Each one like a tiny paper cut to the heart.
And what about the many whose mother is less than ideal? As a therapist I work with many women who are heartbroken and wounded from the un-nurturing mothers they have, perhaps mothers who never wanted to be a mother, at least as their children this is how they are left feeling, unwanted and unloved. That wound, to be rejected by your mother, to not receive unconditional love is profound and permeates throughout their whole being. The pressure to mark this day, that seems to celebrates good mother, can leave them feeling guilty for not wanting to or unsure of how to manage societies and perhaps their mothers expectation of how to celebrate them.
Is a day that collectively celebrates something, that society perceives everyone has, out of touch? Does it in fact create more sadness than happiness? How can this day evolve and mirror more of society’s actual experience.
For those with deceased mothers, online advice suggests “create a special memory box, write a letter, or visit her grave”. How depressing.... everyone else gets to go out to lunch!
To celebrate a dead mother is to bring her back to life. Talk about her, to say her name out loud, remember the crisps she liked or the shoes she wore, the humour she had or the temper. This is what brings her back to us. It is a shame there is no longer a public space for us to share this with others. One of the things I learnt about grief as a child is that others didn’t like hearing about it, I was left to comfort their awkwardness.
Two years ago I discovered the Motherless Daughters Community. Set up by an American, Hope Endelmen, who wrote the book Motherless Daughters and hosts online community calls for women to meet other women, who are motherless.
Here we can celebrate and share stories with others, who we do not need to rescue from the awkwardness of grief. Here the women who were loved can be remembered again. Their names are said, their stories are told and we sit and laugh and cry together and all of it is welcome. And to note, not everyone has had an ideal relationship with their mother and that is welcome also, they have experienced a different kind of mother loss, which is further compounded by death.
Perhaps we could learn from Mexico who celebrate their dead out in the open, with a joyous, community experience called The Day of the Dead. Where relatives are celebrated and remembered with song, food and photos.
How can we bring the motherless out of the shadows and if not reclaim, at least join in on this day that was once ours? If you know anyone who has lost their mother I would encourage you to ask them about her. What she was like, who she was? And if you have lost your mother and find this day hard too, know that you are not alone. You would be welcome at a motherless daughters group - where we would want to hear all about her.
Sarah Kane is a therapist in Tunbridge Wells, more info >>
