Separating: How do I know? And now what?

An empathetic look at how we decide to separate, and what comes next…

Separation sucks. Leaving a long-term partner or spouse is an enormous thing to do. The decision to move away from your person is extremely difficult.

There are so many questions you ask yourself.

Is this the right thing for me and for them. Am I making a choice for people in the relationship, as well as any dependents?

Reflecting on what’s the best for your family, and what’s the best for you and your partner, is soul crushing.

The first question I asked myself was – am I happy with who I am or the way I behave in this relationship?

This is a really  important reflection; it is not about the person we wake up as everyday. It’s about whether we’re being the best version of ourselves to them. Do we ask questions, check in, tell them and show them the I love them?

I understand that sometimes people can’t see how we show them love but it is our responsibility to be curious and communicate with them how they need to be to feel loved.

How do you know when you need to separate? Esther Perel says it’s time to go when staying is harder than leaving – and I agree with her. You being with the person becomes more difficult, even when there was a lot of love.

This might look like:

• Lots of fights, conflicts and unresolved issues, and no movement towards repair or attempt to find a solution.
• The emotional exhaustion and fear of making the other person angry or sad becomes the norm in the relationship.
• Where there is a restricted room for joy or moments of contentment.
• Avoiding their partner by working longer, staying longer in the gym even staying longer in the car park.
• Fear, anger and sadness are the daily discontentment are the prominent feelings in the relationship.

So, maybe it’s time to leave.

But, of course, it isn’t that simple.

Financials

The decision to end the relationship is impacted by financial challenges. Property, money, pensions have a significant influence on the separation. How we going to divide and separate all assets and what does it mean in my own future? ‘We worked for this together and now it’s lost’. Even in an amicable separation, there is always a party that gets more impacted financially. People giving up their financial stability with their pensions and lifestyle feels that there’s no safety and it feels unfair.

Fear

I had the vivid image that I would end up in empty dark room alone and that would be my life. Existing in a meaningless, sombre part of the world without passion, and light. Where the unconscious believes that I wouldn’t survive alone. The loss was overwhelming, losing the stories and the moments that existed and future dreams and expectations, all gone.

Family

Children also influence the decision to separate, where people consider is this the best for them? Shall I stay for the children? Why and why not? Families with two parents oftentimes help children to feel supported.  Yes, either way it will impact children, where leaving may feel the sense of abandonment and rejection among other potential emotional issues. Also, witnessing the lack of love with the parents can lead to emotional unavailability and intimacy issues.

Of course, there is no right answer, this is about what is best for me and for the people in my life. Sometimes they will contradict each other and that’s ok.

Separation is not easy, and it will change your life. But not always in the way you expect.

The sombre image that I had of my life after separation wasn’t real. It was a mixture of fears and social and family expectations that drove these thoughts. There was a discounting of my resources and my abilities and capacity to overcome things.

There are different ways to move from a relationship, you need to develop new things or even go back to basics.

• Surrender yourself to the people that care about you. It may feel like you have no connections, often it is just your brain protecting you from rejection.
• Connect with friends, engage with therapy, join a local gym, dancing, boxing, a sport of your choice and things you use to like.
• Focus on yourself and how you can get your needs met, starting with small projects, like fixing small things. Sanding a chair and painting, learn a new language, build Lego.

It will be a challenge – yet there’s a lot in front you.

Ivo Marques is a counsellor at our Clifton Village centre ivomarquestherapy.com