Feeling Unseen or Unimportant

Our Deeper Connections series offers a gentle guide to reconnection in relationships, from EFT counsellor Thomas Westenholz. This month: The Pain of Emotional Disconnection

One of the most common and painful challenges in relationships is the feeling of being un-seen, unheard, or emotionally alone. You might hear one partner say, “You don’t notice me an-ymore,” or “It’s like I’m invisible.” These aren’t just casual complaints; they’re signals of emo-tional distress.

From an Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) perspective, this isn’t a sign that the relation-ship is broken; it’s a signal that one or both partners are emotionally disconnected and yearning for closeness. The pain often manifests as protest: raised voices, criticism, sarcasm, or a retreat into silence. These responses can seem like anger or indifference on the surface, but underneath, they are often desperate attempts to be seen, valued, and reassured.

For example, “You never listen to me” might really mean “I feel like I don’t matter to you an-ymore.” Or “You’re always on your phone” may hide the fear: “Have I become less important than everything else in your life?”

But when these protests go unrecognised, couples get stuck in defensive cycles: one partner pushes, the other pulls away. And in that dynamic, both partners end up feeling even more alone.
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How to Heal:

The path forward begins with slowing down and tuning in to the softer emotions under-neath the reactions. Rather than attacking or shutting down, try to share the longing that lies beneath the frustration.

Instead of saying, “You never make time for me,”

Try: “I’ve been feeling distant from you lately, and I miss the closeness we used to have.”

Creating safety is key. This means listening without interrupting, validating each other’s feel-ings, and staying curious rather than defensive.

A simple but powerful question to ask each other is:
“When you get upset with me, what are you really needing or afraid of underneath?”

EFT helps couples move from conflict to connection by transforming blame into vulnerability and vulnerability into a deeper connection. When partners feel emotionally seen, they soften. And in that softness, love can begin to flow again.

Every couple experiences challenges. Feeling disconnected, unheard, or caught in the same painful cycles doesn’t mean your relationship is broken—it means you’re human. But when these patterns go on for too long, it can become hard to see a way out on your own. The argu-ments feel predictable, the distance grows, and even love can start to feel unreachable.

Backed by decades of research, EFT is one of the most effective approaches for couples in dis-tress. It helps partners move from blame and shutdown to vulnerability, safety, and deep emo-tional connection. In other words—it helps you find your way back to each other.

If you recognise yourself in any of these patterns and feel stuck, working with an EFT-trained couple therapist can be a powerful next step. You don’t have to keep struggling alone.

Your relationship deserves care, and support is here when you’re ready.

Thomas Westenholz is a cou-ples counsellor working from our rooms in Brighton & Hove – coupletherapy.earth