Can a relationship survive infidelity?

Misma Roberts offers a clinical insight on recovery after betrayal

Infidelity is often viewed as the ultimate betrayal – shattering trust and leaving behind a complex emotional aftermath. Partners face grief, anger, confusion, and fear. Yet, for many couples, the question becomes not

“Should we separate?” But rather, “Is recovery possible? “

While societal narratives often frame infidelity as a symptoms of relationship failure, modern psychotherapy suggests a more nuanced understanding. As clinicians, we must consider that infidelity often arises from unconscious conflicts, unmet attachment needs, and relational vulnerabilities – not merely disaffection within the partnership.

Understanding infidelity through a psychodynamic lens

From a psychodynamic perspective, infidelity reflects internal struggles as much as relational dynamics. Freud’s model offers several conceptual pathways:

1. Id, Ego, and Superego Conflicts: Cheating may represent the id’s pursuit of pleasure overriding the superego’s moral boundaries, with the ego failing to mediate between the two (Freud, 1923).
2. Defence Mechanisms: Affairs may serve as unconscious defences – against feelings of inadequacy, fear of intimacy, or unacknowledged anger. Projection, denial, and rationalisation are common in such dynamic (Freud, 1936).
3. Repetition Compulsion: Individuals may unconsciously repeat past relational wounds or traumas, drawn to recreate scenarios of rejections or abandonment in an attempt at mastery (Freud, 1920).
4. Attachment Insecurities: Bowlby’s (1969) attachment theory adds depth here. Partners with avoidant or anxious attachment may seek external validation or novelty to regulate unmet emotional needs.
5. Unconscious Fantasies: Hidden desires or fantasies, not always acknowledged, can drive behaviour like infidelity (Steiner, 1993).
These frameworks don’t excuse infidelity but help therapists – and clients – understand the layers beneath the behaviour, creating space for empathy and insight.

Why infidelity devastates
The betrayed partner often experiences trauma-like symptoms: emotional flooding, intrusive thoughts, and hypervigilance. Their self-esteem may collapse, leaving them questioning their worth and reality.
The partner who cheated typically battles shame, guilt, and the terror of losing the relationship entirely. The emotional disconnection that often precedes infidelity exacerbates this rupture.

Can the relationship be repaired?
While many relationships end after infidelity, recovery is possible if both partners commit to introspection and change. As therapists, we can guide couple in this difficult work.

Factors supporting recovery

1. Facilitate open communication
Support clients in expressing unspoken fears, anger, and grief. Encouraging active listening and reflecting dialogue. Emotional focused therapy (eft) techniques can be helpful in re-establishing emotional connection (johnson, 2004).

2. Address responsibility and remorse
Help the unfaithful partner take full accountability without minimising the harm caused. Avoid encouraging over-disclosure of affairs details unless therapeutically necessary, as this can retraumatise the betrayed partner.

3. Work toward rebuilding trust
Frame trust as behavioural consistency over time. Support the couple in setting realistic expectations for progress, using gottman’s concept of “trust as a choice reinforced daily” (gottman & silver, 1999).

4. Use professional containment
Provide structured therapeutic support. Couples counselling offers a space to explore unmet needs, communication failures, and emotional disconnection. Individual therapy may also be indicated, particularly for addressing attachment patterns or trauma histories.

5. Normalise the long process of forgiveness
Explain that forgiveness is not a single decision but an unfolding process. Use psychoeducation to help both partners manage unrealistic timelines and expectations.

6. Focus on growth, not just repair
Shift the couple’s focus from merely “fixing” the past to building a deeper, more honest partnership. Encourage exploration of intimacy, vulnerability, and emotional safety.

7. Encourage commitment to long-term change Assess each partner’s willingness to engage in sustained change. Encourage tangible steps – such as establishing new boundaries, prioritising time together, and committing to ongoing therapy.

Clinical caution: when not to recommend reconciliation
Therapists should be mindful when betrayal occurs within coercive, abusive, or emotionally destructive relationships. In such cases, prioritising the safety and wellbeing of the betrayed partner is paramount. Assess for underlying power imbalances, emotional neglect, or repeated betrayals.

In summary, infidelity challenges the foundation of any relationship, but it can also open pathways for insight, growth, and transformation. As therapists, our role is not to dictate whether a couple should stay together but to help each partner understand themselves – and each other – more deeply.

Through psychodynamic insight, compassionate containment, and structured therapeutic work, many couple can not only survive infidelity but build a relationship rooted in greater honesty and emotional intimacy.

Recommended Reading for Therapists:
• Steiner, J. (1993). Psychic Retreats. Routledge.
Explores unconscious defences and withdrawal states in relational dynamics.
• Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Offers practical strategies for rebuilding trust and emotional intimacy.
• Johnson, S. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Routledge.
A guide to using attachment-based interventions in couples work.
• Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the Pleasure Principle.
• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss.

Misma Roberts (former – Hemming) is a counsellor and psychotherapist at our Bristol and Exeter centres mismacounsellingservice.com