When closeness fades

Our Deeper Connections series offers a gentle guide to reconnection in relationships, from EFT counsellor Thomas Westenholz. This month: Lack of Intimacy or Sexual Disconnect 

When Closeness Fades, Vulnerability Often Disappeared First

It often begins quietly. The cuddles become less frequent. The kisses feel a little more like habit than passion. And slowly, intimacy, both emotional and physical, starts to fade. For many couples, this drift occurs not because love is gone but because emotional safety has quietly slipped away.

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we recognise that sexual connection is deeply intertwined with emotional connection. When partners no longer feel emotionally attuned, safe, or truly seen by each other, the desire for physical closeness naturally diminishes. The body closes when the heart feels distant.

It’s not uncommon for one partner to feel rejected while the other feels pressured or emotionally unavailable. Both end up hurt, both feel stuck, and often, neither knows how to bridge the silence. The unspoken fear is:

“Will we ever get back to how we used to be?”

But EFT reminds us the path back to intimacy is not through performance or pressure; it’s through rebuilding vulnerability and connection.
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How to Heal:

Start not with sex but with safe, open-hearted conversation. Set aside time to gently explore how each of you feels about closeness without blame, pressure, or fixing.

Ask questions like:

“When we were more physically connected, what helped you feel close to me?”

“What makes it hard to be vulnerable or to want touch right now?”

Often, what’s beneath the sexual disconnect is a longing to feel desired, safe, or emotionally held.

As emotional safety is restored through empathy, shared presence, and honest communication—desire can begin to reawaken organically. Even small moments of physical connection, like holding hands, a lingering hug, or laying close in bed, can begin to rebuild the bridge.

EFT helps couples see that intimacy is not a goal to achieve but a natural expression of emotional connection. And once the emotional bond begins to strengthen, the body often follows.

Every couple experiences challenges. Feeling disconnected, unheard, or caught in the same painful cycles doesn’t mean your relationship is broken—it means you’re human. But when these patterns go on for too long, it can become hard to see a way out on your own. The arguments feel predictable, the distance grows, and even love can start to feel unreachable.

Your relationship deserves care, and support is here when you’re ready.

Thomas Westenholz is a couples counsellor working from our rooms in Brighton & Hove – coupletherapy.earth/