Fear of abandonment or rejection

Our Deeper Connections series offers a gentle guide to reconnection in relationships, from EFT counsellor Thomas Westenholz. This month: Longing to Be Safe Together

Attachment Injuries and the Longing to Be Safe Together

At the core of most relationship struggles lies a vulnerable question: “Will you really be there for me?” For many of us, the answer to that question feels uncertain, not because of a lack of love but because of deep, often unspoken fears rooted in past wounds.

These fears may come from early life experiences, such as feeling unloved, criticised, or emotionally neglected as a child or from past relationships that ended in betrayal or abandonment. Sometimes, the injuries occur within the current relationship: a breach of trust, a harsh comment that cuts deep, or a moment of emotional absence when support is needed most.

When these attachment injuries are left unhealed, they don’t disappear. They go underground, where they silently shape how we show up in the relationship. We might become hyper-alert to rejection, read distance where none was intended, or lash out when we feel unseen. Or we might withdraw, fearing that expressing our needs will lead to conflict, disappointment, or shame.

In EFT, we don’t pathologise these reactions. We view them as protective strategies, ways people attempt to stay safe when love begins to feel risky.
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How to Heal:

Healing begins when couples can name these fears, not as flaws, but as part of their emotional blueprint. It sounds like:

“When you pull away, I get scared you don’t want me anymore, even though I know that might not be true.”
“I’ve learned to shut down when I feel hurt, because I’ve been punished for being vulnerable before.”

EFT provides a safe space to explore these fears with compassion rather than judgment. As partners begin to tune into each other’s pain rather than react to the surface behaviour, a new dance can emerge, one based on responsiveness, reassurance, and emotional safety.

Repairing attachment injuries isn’t about pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s about creating a new emotional experience in the present, where each partner feels seen, valued, and emotionally held.

When both people feel secure in the bond, vulnerability becomes safe again, and love becomes a place to rest, not to guard against.

Every couple experiences challenges. Feeling disconnected, unheard, or caught in the same painful cycles doesn’t mean your relationship is broken—it means you’re human. But when these patterns go on for too long, it can become hard to see a way out on your own. The arguments feel predictable, the distance grows, and even love can start to feel unreachable.

Your relationship deserves care, and support is here when you’re ready.

Thomas Westenholz is a couples counsellor working from our rooms in Brighton & Hove – coupletherapy.earth/